Not them.

Not even him.

RODRIGO BORGIA (Pope Alexander VI)

1431-1503

You wouldn’t expect to see a pope as the first person  in a list of badasses. Well, first things first, there were a lot of badass popes during the middle ages and beyond- among them Pope Alexander VI was probably the most badass of them all (as some says).

For the love of God, why?

Well, it was said that Pope Alexander VI bought his way to the papacy. Yep, he paid some cardinals to ensure that they will vote them as Pope. It’s similar to how politicians buy votes here in my country.

But he’s a man of God ain’t he? A Pope right?

Well, during the time, being a Pope kind of like means you’re the most powerful leader on Earth. You have an influence to almost all of Europe, you can crown or uncrown monarchs and you can set prices to save someone’s soul from hell and stuff like that. The promise of power is so tempting that even Pope Alexander VI can’t resist it.

The definition of pimp.

But wait, there’s more! Pope Alexander VI did not just commit corruption, he also had affairs with women and had several children. Most famous of them were Lucrezia and Cesare Borgia. If you think they are familiar, yes, there’s a television series about their family already because the Borgias were quite an influential family in old Europe and they all have notorious stories to tell.

The Santo Papa used his children to acquire more power and wealth. He trained his sons to follow his footsteps and married her daughter (Lucrezia) to wealthy families in Europe to build ties with them.

Because he was such a badass, Niccolo Machiavelli praised him all the way in his book, The Prince.

As I have always said, the end justifies the means.

VLAD TEPES (Count Vlad of Wallachia)

1431-1476

Come to think of it, he was born the same year as Pope Alexander VI. Haha! Well anyway, Count Vlad III or Vlad Tepes (Tsepesh) was so badass that he was eventually immortalized by Bram Stoker as Dracula. Woooo!

He's got a badass mustache too.

Anyone who is obsessed with Dracula must have known that this guy inspired the vampire story. For those who didn’t know, now you know.

Why he was such a badass?

Apparently, Vlad Tepes was such one heck of a tyrant. He’s bloodthirsty, cruel and strict. Though some says his actions were reasonable because he have to discipline his people and fight off the Turks who were constantly pissing him off, his way of torture is impalement- which is very gruesome.

This is a yummy version. But think of it as instead of pigs, they were people and they were unroasted. EEHHH!

So you see, that’s impalement.

According to historians, Vlad III impaled 40,000-100,000 people in that style and he loves to show them off to his enemies (the Turks) to scare them. He has a so called “forest of the impaled” where all of the executed are displayed. Apparently, the Count likes to hold feasts near that forest and sometimes he eats lavishly while the impalement of his subjects and enemies alike are going on. Some say it was how the vampire myth developed.

They assumed the Count drank some blood in his chalice.

According to historians, Vlad Tepes wanted his subjects to be honest and hardworking as ever. Otherwise, the stake for impalement awaits them. It is said that he usually leaves a golden cup in the center of their town square but because the people know what awaits them, no one ever stole or even touched the cup. Pretty effective tactic for a ruler eh? I bet Machiavelli would have praised him too.

Cheers to badassery!

Unfortunately, Vlad Tepes was eventually killed in battle (with the Turks as usual). Historians still debate on whether or not Vlad was killed by the enemy or by his own army, but one thing they agree upon was that the head of the count was taken by the Turks to present it to their Sultan as proof that his mortal enemy is finally dead.

But we all know his legacy went on as Dracula. Hihi!

You have put my badass name to shame. The stakes for impalement awaits you. -VLAD TEPES aka DRACULA

*to be continued…

Janus- the Roman god of beginnings and endings. The month "January" was named after him.

2012 is said to be the year of the Dragon; but I don’t know what would that mean (ask the Chinese, haha!).

Everyone’s excited because the world is supposedly ending on December 21, 2012. Well, let’s see about that!

Nevertheless, HAVE A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!

Maybe like this one. But I won’t elaborate more of it.

To start off, I’m from the Philippines and naturally, my Facebook friends are Filipinos, duh. So most of the stuff here will be about weird stuff Pinoys like me would do in Facebook. But don’t hate, I’m not being radical or skeptic here, okay? And there’s nothing to do with race here because it could apply to foreigners too.

Apparently, Facebook has become the favorite “hangout” place of every modern computer literate person. Unlike clubs, malls, hotels, etc. Everyone from the social status can make one account and connect with everyone. But geez, see what this technology has turn most people into?

1.) Babies’ Accounts.

Maybe you have come across this case. You have a friend who just gave birth or became a dad just a few weeks/months ago and then he/she starts posting albums of his/her child in his/her account, well that’s perfectly normal because every parent would be proud of their offspring right? And relatives and friends from across the globe would love to see your little angel so there’s nothing really wrong with that. 

Alas, just weeks/months after, you see that the baby has added you in FACEBOOK. Wow! That would be an instant infant prodigy. But no, obviously one of his/her parents is just well, you decide what word to describe them.

Or: I can’t read yet, but I have Facebook. What was mommy thinking?

I don’t know what the parents’ reasons are. But for crying out loud, what’s the use? The baby can’t even walk yet, let alone talk or read. And by the time he/she has grown up, Facebook might not be the favorite hangout place of the global village anymore.

2.) Too much VAIN “Photoshoot” Albums.

Most of us really want to be famous, admired and basically look beautiful than any other else. Before, only celebrities have an opportunity to show their goodies off but thanks to Facebook and the commercialization of professional cameras, everyone can be celebrities (or professional photographers)! 

WHO U?

But hey, it’s not that bad to feel beautiful and look beautiful and broadcast your beautifulness to all your friends once in a while… Like I said, “Too much VAIN…’” and when it’s too much, it’s too much!

Like, posting 50+ albums in all your “photoshoots” which actually is not for a product ad or a magazine cover or anything like that. 

And also, you don’t become a “photographer” just because you have a DSLR camera. Same as you don’t become a painter just because you have an art set or whatever, duh!

3.) Posting on a Friend’s Wall.

Posting on a friend’s wall is okay, really… But for the love of hell, on a DEAD FRIEND’S wall is just…

Just you wait till I’ll add you on my friends list.

We humans have emotions of course and we grieve so much on our dead. It’s tragic and sad to lose a loved one but it just gets a little weird if everyone of your friends (including not the “close” ones) will post on your wall after your dead, saying “R.I.P., we will surely miss you” or “I thought you promised me to treat me a pintful of ice cream? Now you’re gone, huhu!” –those kinds of stuff.

Unfortunately, your dead and you don’t have the chance to read or reply to these posts like saying “I’ll miss you too, see you soon” or “I’ll just send your pintful of ice cream tomorrow, I’m really sorry”. Now, that would have been awesome!

Unfortunately, Facebook is not that technologically advanced to connect to the dead yet, guess we’ll just have to wait. 

*This post might soon be updated if the blogger finds anything annoying in Facebook ASAP.

GAY! Not the happy, dandy gay but plainly GAY, as in they are actually guys who love guys too.  And who are these people? You probably already knew it, yes they are…

ALEXANDER THE GREAT and his childhood bestfriend and lover (mind you), and most probably the best general of his great army, HEPHAESTION.

weeeee! <3

And the other gays were too many to mention because it is said that there were 300 of them, making up 150 dude to dude couples. Nevertheless, they are collectively called the Sacred Band of Thebes, they were some sort of elite soldiers in Thebes, in Ancient Greece. FYI, Ancient Greeks were number one patronizers of gay love.

Warriors by day, it’s up to your imagination what they do at night.

Ironically, this band was vanquished by none other than King Philip II of Macedonia who incidentally was Alexander the Great’s father. Now you know where Alexander got his inspiration (both in choosing a lover and war tactics).

BUT DON’T FRET!

This was a normal practice in Ancient Greece. Pederasty is the relationship between an adult man and a boy which was widely practiced during this time and well, it’s perfectly normal then. The aim is actually to teach or mentor the younger one about the ways of the world; could be about nature, or war tactics with of course, benefits on the side.

No comment.

Not just that, soldiers like the Sacred Band of Thebes were encouraged to be homos to make the warrior in them braver and valiant in war. Well of course, anyone would fight to protect their loved one, right? Haha! Undoubtedly, their theory was right! The Sacred Band of Thebes was one of the most renowned warriors in Ancient history for claiming victories all over (they even defeated the Spartan army who were also known to be gays). The same might be said for Alexander; if your lover fights side by side with you, you would probably do your best to vanquish the enemy to make sure you could still lie down with him when the sun goes down (like, seriously).

Actually, we could quote Plato on this subject:

“And if there were only some way of contriving that a state or an army should be made up of lovers and their loves … Or who would desert his beloved or fail him in the hour of danger?”

Well? You wouldn’t want to argue with Plato, he’s one hell of a philosopher and he’s long dead. Let’s just take his word for it.

So what I do is go to bookstores and well, check out prices of books that maybe I can afford someday (you never know).

During one of these “window-shopping for books thing”, I chanced upon Anne Rice’s trilogy of Sleeping Beauty and well, what do you know, I was harassed by her perverted version of the goody-goody fairytale I grew up with (the Sleeping Beauty of course).

Well, if you’re not familiar with this book, the story goes that Sleeping Beauty did not actually woke up from the Prince’s supposedly “true love’s kiss” but she woke up because of the Prince’s spanking and raping spree on her (which, I bet others might find entertaining). Then when the whole Court awakens, the King and Queen have no choice but to give their daughter to this Prince of Perverts, and then they began an erotic adventure of some sort.

You can directly judge this book by it’s cover.

Well, that’s the start of it and I wouldn’t even try to think about reading that book again even if I could buy the complete trilogy out.

I’d still love to believe in Disney’s version of the tale because, well, who doesn’t like a charming-cutie story like that?

But It turned out, Anne Rice’s perverted version of Sleeping Beauty was actually the closer one to the original version of the tale.

Actually, the original story was more weird. It goes like this: Prince’s *!@$#^ still didn’t wake Sleeping Beauty, she even got pregnant and gave birth to TWINS! You might assume that in this part of the story, she might have woke up from child labor but NO, only when one of her babies sucked her finger, mistaking it for her breasts did she woke up (wew!).  The explanation goes that the flax (from the spindle) that was stucked in her finger could only break the spell. Since the baby tried to suck her finger, the flax fell off! Hooray!

And to think her body has to go all sorts of violation and the culprit was just the FLAX! Oh well, guess that one was a hell more powerful than today’s sleeping pills.

These are versions which Disney would never wants us to see. But hey, after reading the original versions of most fairytales, you might actually learn to love them and feel betrayed because no one ever told you that what we see in TV is fake (assuming your elders actually knew the story too). As a child, you were given false hopes that the world is full of rainbows and heroes and fairies and all the gay things one can imagine only to find out later that the world is actually f—ed up hard. TSK!